January 28, 2011
January 27, 2011

World’s Booze Supply Under Threat

January 26, 2011

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Literally no one was left shocked or appalled after Southampton’s students announced that they will drink the world dry after finishing their exams this week. Alcohol manufacturers across the globe have already started diverting most of their produce towards the south coast, though supplies are said to be insufficient. “We expect most of the beer, […]

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Internet Discovered. Lectures Promptly Abolished.

January 25, 2011

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All of the second semester’s lectures were cancelled last night after academic staff at the University discovered the Internet. Professor Margaret Bloom, a Philosophy lecturer at Southampton University, stumbled upon the phenomenon whilst using her desktop magic screen for other purposes. “I’d finished sorting through some pictures of the grandchildren and was about to open a Word […]

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Stop Buying Really Expensive Shit, Students Told

January 24, 2011

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Broke students were yesterday told by an exasperated government spokesperson that if they just stopped pissing their money away, they might not have so much to worry about. “Yes, we understand you’re probably not getting pocket money from mummy and daddy anymore and that’s very difficult for you to understand,” he said during a speech to […]

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Bus Stop Extravaganza Promise University

January 23, 2011

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Southampton University management last night promised students that the £1m Interchange on Highfield campus was just the start of their commitment to making the experience of waiting for a bus slightly more pleasant at massive financial cost. Under the recently unveiled Bus Stop Improvement Strategy the University will spend another million on each stop along the U1 route. “The […]

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Student Balls Continue to Rest in Landlord Hands

January 22, 2011

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House prices in Portswood and Highfield are set to defy reason and human morality by rocketing for the twenty-fifth year in succession. “It’s a real mystery,” Economist Dr Albert Sykes told the Mash. “Prices in that specific area just keep on growing at an exponential rate, whilst the surrounding Southampton property market enjoys stable growth. […]

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